Heartbeats…slow and steady. Constant. Relief my mother must’ve felt realizing that her first born was premature and weighed 3 pounds and 13 ounces but was alive. The idea that maybe the me that I have become might not have been if not for God’s sovereignty.
Fragile…little heart and body that needed an extra two months to grow using an incubator as my substitute home. Never without the careful eyes of my parents and my watchful Heavenly Father.
CAUTION: Some of what is being shared may seem a little personal, weird or both. It’s okay if you don’t want to read.
A couple years ago, I went up for prayer at my church. The lady who prayed with me was very keen to hearing the voice of the Holy Spirit and began to talk about things that only God knew. Things in my heart that I never shared with anyone she was speaking as if reading from a page in my heart. That’s how I knew it was real…that’s how I know it was Him speaking through her. She began to tell me about my birth. She had said that there were forces that were trying to kill me…even in my mother’s womb.
Being a child born back in the eighties, many did not survive a premature birth but I did. I often think about that. Now an even scarier thought is that before I was even born there was something trying to KILL me! Even before I could take my first “real” breath outside the protection of my mother’s womb. It makes me think…what do I have to offer that killing me before I began my life would prevent it from happening on this Earth.
This past Sunday, I went to the alter to pray and for an intercessor to stand in agreement with me over some things that I’ve been dealing with on my job. I said, “I’ve been feeling really frustrated at work and working with….” She told me to, “Stop!” She said, “Sometimes when you are at that point of frustration, you have to ask yourself if this is really what God intended for you to do.” My response to her was that I feel that I have been called to teach. I never truly believed in my heart that it would be my only vocation.
When I was 17 years old, I remember attending a women’s retreat with my mother and sisters. I was in the process of applying for colleges and I truly wanted the Lord’s leading. Since I was 8 or 9 years old, I had a strong desire to teach, to make a difference, and help others in need. I’ve always been that way. My grandmother, Mom Inez, used to call me “Little Mama” because I was always taking care of everyone before myself. I knew I wanted to teach but I wasn’t sure if I should teach general education, special education, both, or become a music teacher. I chose general and special education combined. When I went for prayer, the lady answered my question before I asked. She said, “God said to choose whatever you want to do.” I’ve always wondered why He said that. I mean, choosing meant finishing where I started. I didn’t want to choose the wrong vocation. I mean, Cedric Gordon (my Dad) would NOT be happy if money or time was wasted! I’m the firstborn of our family and I wanted to make my parents proud and be a role model for my younger siblings.
Part of me feels that God planned for teaching to help launch me into experiences and situations that will strengthen me for an even divine calling. I am in no way saying that I’m better than anyone, but I am considering that teaching is just a another “tool” in my “tool-kit” of leadership. On my job, I encounter people of many different backgrounds, cultures, and ages. It is important for me to have strong interpersonal skills. When I was a little girl, a visiting pastor came to my home church in Wilmington, Delaware and spoke a prophecy over me. I don’t quite remember it because I was young, but my mother out-of-the-blue began bringing it up as we were driving home from church this past Sunday. He said that I was going to be a teacher and a missionary. A missionary!!!!
I have always had a passion for God’s people and to help people in other parts of the country and world. I’ve done a few short-term missions trips, mostly in the United States. I’m looking forward to going abroad one day! I just thought that was surprising but it aligns with my spirit. My mom was saying that I’ve always been interested in missions work and that doesn’t always mean out-of-the-country. She added that the work that I am doing currently with this awesomely, creative book, Breaking Out of A Broken System by : Seth and Chandler Bolt to help buy life-saving malaria pills for the people of Uganda (www.boltbros.com) would be considered a part of missions work.
This really led me to wonder…..maybe I’m not really called to be a teacher….but what am I really passionate about? Worshiping….Singing….Writing songs….I’ve been doing that since I was a little girl. I kept it a really good secret because most of my family didn’t know I could sing. (Shy Shayla) Then one day, my mother threatened me that if I didn’t sign up for chorus in the fourth grade she would NOT allow me to listen or sing to the radio ever again. I knew she meant business…she won…I started to come out of my shell. The intercessor said, “The Lord will direct your steps. He will help you to know what He wanted you to do before you were born.” I just think that is so funny to think about. I’m God’s baby girl and He has a plan for me!!
When I came home from church, I turned on the t.v. in the den and was led to a channel playing the one of the Sister Act movies with Whoopi Goldberg. It was on the part where she was asking one of the main characters a question. She said, “When you wake up in the morning, what do you feel like you want to do first? Whatever that thought is that is what you are supposed to do?” That hit my spirit HARD!!! I started to cry because mine was singing. There was a time when I wished that I could just stay home and work on music. Sometimes I feel like a songwriting “junkie” because I’ll hear lyrics or a melody and I’m grabbing napkins, paper scraps, my hand, anything to write it down!!! Thank goodness for smartphones because now I can record and go back later to work on it.
My hope is for the Lord to open the door…or to direct me. I believe He will! I’ve been very patient but I don’t want to confuse patience with fear. About two and a half years ago, I had my first concert at my home church introducing two of my songs. It was so much fun and people actually enjoyed them! (Very encouraging) It was a bold step and God opened a platform for me! This story isn’t finished yet. Music….singing…worshiping….writing…is in my heart. It’s one thing that I feel naturally gifted in and has encouraged those who have told me that my music ministers to their spirit.
Only what’s in my heart is my desire. If you have placed it in my heart, You will complete it in time. I love you. I want to honor you with my life. Lead me and guide me into the prepared plan that You had for me BEFORE I was born. I want what You want in Your time, Your way, and for Your glory. Thank you my loving, first Daddy!
God has placed a desire, a dream, a passion in your heart. If you aren’t sure what it is, seek Him. He will tell you. Invite Him into your plans because what He has will be far greater than you could ever imagine. We are brothers and sisters in Christ! I am looking forward to seeing and hearing how you will help to impact the Kingdom of God!!!!!! Much Love!
Thank you for sharing this MOMENT with me! I look forward to sharing more moments with you as you meander through my little snapshot of the world!