The Great Pretender

This morning as I was leaving my apartment, I saw a little boy “pretending” to play basketball on the tennis court.  I stood and watched him for a while as I walked to my car.  He was dribbling, running up and down the court, and then he was making 3-point shots in his “imaginary” hoop.  I wanted to laugh but I thought to myself I am a pretender, too.

How many times do we “pretend” our way through life?  Growing up really shy (mostly bashful), my imagination was like a best friend.  I remember one time when I was “pretending” to be a teacher in my bedroom, my Dad walked in and caught me.  I was so EMBARRASSED!  At the moment, I was talking to my pretend students, who were my stuffed animals on my bed (they were very engrossed in the lesson, I might add).  I was using the wall as my chalkboard and my versatile-hairbrush (microphone/telephone/magic wand/chalk/weapon against monsters) to write on the “board”.  How could I explain to this no-nonsense man what I was doing?  He looked at me, closed the door, and backed out of the room slowly into the hallway.  I still wonder if he laughed or thought I was crazy as he went back downstairs.  I could only imagine what he was saying to my Mom downstairs, “Char (short for Charlene), Shayla really needs to….”

A similar situation happened at work.  This time I was pretending to be a “singer”.  I was in the copy room making copies for the next day.  I thought I was all alone….so I started to belt out the words to this worship song that I have been working on.  Behind me I could hear footsteps and a voice saying, “Ms. Gordon….you sound beautiful!”  Who was it?  My principal!!!!! Omgosh, how embarrassing!  He is our new principal and everyone is trying to make good impressions and I am singing at the top of my lungs in the copy room. (In truth, I think he was just as embarrassed as me.  He thought he was alone…what would he have done….hmmm…)  I’ve lived it down (because we are a small school) but now I check to see if anyone is around.

Today, I continued the “pretending” game as I walked to the sales counter of Best Buy with my purchases.  The sales lady asked me how I was.  I said, “I’m fine.” I lied.  I wasn’t fine. I gave her that casual smile, the one that I have perfected over the years.  I responded with, “How are you?”  We made small talk which did bring a “REAL” smile to my face but as I crossed out of the double doors and walked to my car the waterworks started again.  There have been so many emotions going through my mind these past three weeks.  Most of the time, when I go places I feel like “I want to be anywhere but here.”  I’m usually a pretty happy person and a smile is genuinely spread across my face.  Not everything in my life is perfect and I don’t have a pretentious attitude.  This is just my temperament.  My Mom said I was a really happy baby…I don’t know.  But most recently, I have just been feeling really down and I’ve been “pretending” my way through life.  Do I feel like this all the time, all throughout the day? No. Just when I start thinking about situations, circumstances, or people that I have been emotionally wounded by.  I really believe that God is taking me through some emotional healing and forgiveness.

I’ve known this for a while.  I am a carrier.  I am a carrier of “soft emotions”. My Dad, the Jamaican Spy, was the first to bring it to my attention.  When he would reprimand us he would say, “I’m not doing this to be hard on you but…..” and then he would go through with the consequence and his “Mike Brady” stories of when he was younger.  God, love him with those STORIES! In the midst of sitting there crying and scared about what will happen next he’s telling me that he loves me and what I need to do better.  I, the contagious giggler, end of laughing even though I’m getting a consequence.  It is so comical…I don’t understand why I respond that way.  Lately, my “soft” emotions have been getting the best of me.  After a while of processing and praying, I feel a lot better.  I understand that this is just a season.  Today during my quiet time with the Lord, I really felt joy starting to seep back into my heart.  Even now as I am writing, I feel so much better.  He is teaching me something.

Right now, I am understanding that that there are things happening for me and NOT against me.  Yes, even the painful things.  I saw this picture on Facebook showing my ideal plan for my life vs. God’s plan.  My plan was smooth sailing with no bumps in the road and the Sun shining.  God’s plans had so many hills, valleys, a river with a boat…I had to agree with the imagery of the artist’s perception.  In my mind, I see everything so clearly and working out and then I remember that “His ways and thoughts are higher than my ways and thoughts.”  I understand that if I don’t allow time for these wounds to heal properly, forgive these people (openly/in prayer), and work towards reconciling broken relationships I will be a bitter person and not a better one.  Did I expect for a series of events or comments to make me feel this way? No.  But sometimes when the root of bitterness sets in it tries to poison everything else.

I love what it says in the Message Bible for Isaiah 43:18-19:

He says: Forget about what has happened; don’t keep going over old history.  Be alert.  Be present.  He’s about to do something new.  It’s bursting out. Don’t you see it!

Sometimes when I am so stuck in this world of hurt I am not able to recognize what God is doing in the NOW.  A new thing is something that I have never seen before.  Satan wants me to see the negative.  He wants me to be hurt, offended, and upset with people (even the people that I know truly love me)  Satan always tries to use something to try to keep us from our destiny. (David Gibbons)  These same people that I have allowed a door to emotional wounding may be the same people that the Lord is calling me to help bring into the Kingdom, receive something from for my benefit as a person, or a friend for a lifetime.  God knows.  The enemy can see what is up ahead in my future and will try to do any means possible to cause it now to work out when I believe the lies.  God has been doing some really surprising and NEW events for me.  I want to experience them all with a joyful heart!  Wherever He is taking me, I want to be ready, confident, and secure.

I don’t want to be a “pretender” anymore.  I don’t want to pretend to live when I am really hurting.  God uses people who have baggage.  He knows my heart and loves me the same.  I may not like it but God is into to “messed” up folks. 🙂  He chose me that way; soft emotions and all.  So I have been exposing my hurts to Him and He has been helping me to see clearly what is happening and/or how I need to respond.  First step, is the choice to walk in forgiveness, love and reconciliation.

Friend, wherever you are…whatever you are dealing with…even if it is a little like me…choose love over hurt.  Choose love (God) over being broken.  He is with you in your brokeness.  He knows the source of the pain and how to heal you over time.  Most times, try not to build your world around your pain so that it is all that you see.  Will I never experience hurt again? No. Am I learning a better response than pretending that “I’m okay.”? Yes.  I’ve included a song that makes me smile.  It talks about Love being the right place.  It’s titled, “Love is the Right Place” by Bryan White (not the actor, the country singer.  Yes, country. I think he has one of the best voices in country music! soulful, brings you there–you know what I mean.) Also, I’ve included a song that teaches a continuous lesson about FORGIVENESS! by Tenth Avenue North.  A prayer to God to help me to forgive even when it is easier to be bitter. I’ve included the video of this song because I feel like it helps us to see that this is a “human” thing.  We all wrestle with these emotions whether we are initiating, receiving or retaliating.  Also, it makes me smile at the end with chorus sing loudly in the background. I love the rap! 🙂

Love Is the Right Place

“Losing” by Tenth Avenue North

P.S.
If you know me or are my friend or follower on social media, please know that if I have responded to you about anything it has been with genuine emotions.  I know that I am a better person when I am honest (even if it is embarrassing) because I never know who God is helping through my brokeness-joy, failures-successes, or insanity-saness!  Lol!  This season has a purpose!  God is on my side (reference to Wasteland–by NEEDTOBREATHE. Find their new album, which released this week).

P.P. S.

It is empowering to come face to face with those struggles and say “I’m an OVERCOMER!” even if it seems and feels unbeatable.  Anyway, I love you all (genuinely) and want you to know that I am a real person.  My Aunt told me that sometimes the strongest people are the ones that cry behind closed doors.  Well, I cry in the open and closed doors…what does that make me?  Stronger than I was yesterday!

Thank you for sharing this MOMENT with me!!  I look forward to sharing more moments with you as you meander through my little snapshot of the world!

Smile,

Shayla ❤

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To Be Completed

This afternoon, I began to watch interviews about songs that have been encouraging to my spirit.  One song, Alive in Us by Hillsong (written by Reuben Morgan and James Ingram) came to mind.  I remember I had bought the CD, God Is Able, as I was entering into a season of restoration, renewed hope, and healing.  There are so many songs on that CD that was encouraging to my spirit.

This particular song, Alive in Us, held lyrics that jumped off the page and into my heart.

The enemy is under your feet.

We are free.

We are free.

Death has been defeated by love.

You overcome.

You overcome.

Each word spoken in succession was causing me to feel more alive in Christ and in my own person.  It helped to remind me that although circumstances may cause me to feel broken, I am not broken in Christ–He is my mender.  I am not held captive or defined by my past but defined by the power and resurrection of His love and life.  Ultimately, I am an OVERCOMER!

Have you ever been in a situation where you asked the Lord, “Where do I go from here?  How can I go on from this state?  How can this be part of Your plan for me? How can I bounce back from…?”

 I have.

Several times in my life.  Most of it has been me focusing on how others would see this experience as a failure and I will have to live it down.  Why is it that our fear of failure stems out of insecurity about what someone else would see or think? I am growing from that place.  I am learning to be more aware of my short-comings AND my successes.  I can only grow from where I have been.  I can be a bridge of hope by first starting with nothing and God building…building me.

As I listened to an interview, I heard in my spirit, “God completes the thoughts of your heart.  Sometimes we have to let it sit for awhile.” Just like in my songwriting, I may hear a lyric or have a chorus but that’s it.  The rest of the song is not ready to be birthed.  That lyric or chorus just rides along inside my heart until the time is ready.

We are masterpieces in Him that are created overtime.  God is building us into who He has ultimately designed us to be.  The transformation is on-going; it’s continuous.  It’s the best kind of time-consuming effort.  Most of what is happening takes us by surprise and can be unfathomable but in Him we will find that their is a greater purpose.

My friend Blessing said to me yesterday, “We could never feel the depth of pain, hurt, or ridicule that Christ has felt.” No, we never can.  We are both taking HUGE stands for Christ on our jobs, on personal choices, and for God to use.  We have been fasting more frequently and praying everyday before/after work.  It’s because of our stance, she’s has experienced difficulty in her personal life and I have been experiencing on the job.  But there is victory!  We are closer to it now than ever!

Her reminder convicted my spirit and unleashed the sorrow that was trying to build itself around the victorious plan that the Lord has been cultivating in my mind about this school year.  A line in the song says, “in everything be exalted”. God is above the situation and using it to create in me greater character, patience and endurance.

 Every thought unspoken…He has an answer.  Every thought lost in time…will be recovered. Every unanswered thought will come forth in a way that will amaze you. The thoughts from your childhood have never been forgotten by a God that loves you.

Who will I….

When will I…

Why do they never…

I don’t understand…

What’s wrong with….

I wish that…

Will this ever….

When will your promise for me….

Can I…

Why am I afraid that…

God, I thought that….

Do you really have the best in mind for Me?

God completes the thoughts of your heart.  

“God does not tell you to begin something then leave halfway through it.  He is a wise builder and an expert craftsman.  He is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end.  He finishes what He starts.” ~ J. Lee Grady

What God starts, He completes. “I’m convinced that God, who began this good work in you, will carry it to completion on the day of Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 1:6)  The way that it unfolds may seem peculiar but it will bring Him glory in the end.  I encourage you as I encourage myself, that nothing can stop the GOOD things that God has planned…even in the moments of uncertainty God is reigns. This is one thing that we can be certain.

Thank you for sharing the MOMENT with me.  I look forward to sharing more moments with you as you meander through my little snapshot of the world.

Smile,

Shayla ❤

P.S. I also included the song with lyrics!!

Worth the Wait

“God has perfect timing; never early, never late.  It takes a little patience and it takes a lot of faith but it’s worth the wait.” ~ Author Unkown

One verse in scripture that I often struggle with is: Wait upon the Lord.  Maybe it is the word “wait”.  I mean, I am a very patient person.  Some could say one of the most ideal long-sufferers but when it comes to “waiting on the Lord” I haven’t quite mastered that yet. Don’t fret, I have until the return of Christ! Lol! (This is meant to be funny!) It may have something to do with me being three months premature…I must have been impatiently waiting for my arrival into this world.  Only God knows.  One definition that I’ve found for the meaning of wait is: to stay where one is or delay action until a particular time or until something else happens. Although I may have arrived on this Earth impatiently, the rest of my life has been spent patiently waiting for the beauty of what God has planned to be unfolded.  Some things I didn’t have to wait for as long as others.

CAUTION: ENTERING A PERSONAL MOMENT ZONE!!!

For example, when I was a young(-er) lady I went through the process of puberty.  Being the shy little girl that I was (and still am at times), I could not conceal the changes that were happening on the outside and inside of my body.  One particular change caused tremendous speculation and an uproar in my family.  Around the 4th grade, I began to show signs of needing a “training” bra.  (I mean, really, what am I training for…nothing was going to “come-off” like wheels on a bike.  They should probably call them preparatory bras and include a manual on how to endure social, mental, and familial ridicule because of a piece of white lace fabric with a pink bow in the center.) Anyway, (I feel embarrassed typing this…boy, am I my father’s daughter) I developed the need for a training bra before one of my older cousins.  I remember spending the night over her house and changing into my night gown.  Yes, I said night gown.  People actually still go to bed in things like these.  Mine was silk with a little lace at the top, very girlie!  I overhead her talking to my Aunt about me having a “chest” and she didn’t have one yet.  I felt so awkward and embarrassed. Not only did I feel self-conscious on my own, now one of my older cousins was making me feel worse because I’m experiencing this rite of passage first!  I know that it wasn’t meant in harm but I still felt kind of bad that she wanted what I wanted to get rid of.  So I yelled out with tears in my eyes, “You can have them!  I don’t even want them!”  The rest is just a blur…but a while ago I had this same conversation with her daughter and “the story” that has been made famous.  ( We are both fully developed women now and that is all that matters!  Love you, cuz!)

Isn’t it funny that sometimes what we don’t want or what we aren’t ready for comes because it is our time?  God is allowing it to happen.  But there are times when we are waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting and waiting (and waiting) for other things to turn around in our lives but God is putting the brakes on it.  There is a laundry list of things that I could share that I am waiting on…but then I stop to think am I ready? If the thing that I desire the most came right now, would I be who I need to be to fully appreciate it?  I asked the Lord a question about a prayer request of mine and He said, “You will be ready.”  To me, He is telling me that He is preparing me for my request.  Even if I don’t feel like I am ready, ultimately He knows and will open that door. Last night, I read a quote from a friend that said, “You’re worth waiting for.”  That quote reminds me of a song that I wrote back in college titled “Wait”.  (How appropriate, Shayla! Why, thank you reader!)  The song is about waiting for the person that the Lord has reserved for you.  My hope with song I wrote when at 18 years old was to encourage other young women like me to wait for the man that God has for you.  The one He will send to you or cause you to come across in his life.

I am still waiting.  I feel good about it because I trust that the Lord will cause him to find me.  Waiting is hard but I have always found beauty in watching a love story unfold.  It is in the waiting that is a true test…especially when someone comes along that seems to mirror who you hold in your heart (that God-defined person; he can’t really be explained to others but no one else can seem to take his place. Yeah, that guy! For my male followers: Yeah, that girl!) A colleague of mine said to me last year that when “he” comes along you will know because it will be like “you’ve always known each other; almost like you are just picking up where you left off.”  Isn’t that a cool thought?  (I’m excited!!! And I just can’t hide it…I know…I know…I know…sorry born in the 80s!)  Last night before bed I started singing the bridge of this song and praying to the Lord to let it one day be of use and encouragement to young ladies (and gents).  As I sang, I recorded the song and in my mind, I could see the faces of the young ladies I am teaching now.  The same ones that are rushing into having boyfriends at age 9/10/11!  I don’t even have a boyfriend! (Venting now…I’m patient…very patient. Lol!) The bridge goes like this….

(Song Title: Wait)

Maybe it will take a lifetime

Or maybe it will take a friend to open your heart

All and all know you’re beautiful

And you’re worth waiting on

You’re worth waiting for

So wait on

Wait on

He’s coming for you

He’s coming for you

For some people, it has taken a lifetime. And for others, it has been a friend that the Lord brought into your life.  Really, it is not all about “who” but about “you” and your response to the waiting.  All of us have different experiences. (I personally want total satisfaction…I mean I don’t even like cold French fries…why would I settle for what I desire in a husband.)  God’s story is a story of beauty.  How many times have I cheated on the Lord (who is my first husband) with crushes over my life?

**For clarity: I have not cheated on anyone nor have I been in a relationship with a crush. Here I am describing how my attention/interest in any man that I have had a crush on and the possibility of a relationship with him would be something that I would desire so much that I would spend time focusing on my crush than cultivating my relationship with the Lord.**

I encourage you to pray for your future mate and write down a list of the things that you desire in a mate.  I wrote a list of 10 things (with the encouragement of my pastor) and I have been praying for my husband (very specifically) every day.

To help encourage you, I will share two things from my list…

1. He must be a man of God (saved, strong relationship with the Lord, reads his Bible, prays, heart for God’s people, a heart to worship)

2. Sense of humor (he can make me laugh…life is so much better with laughter)

Now I have a pretty strong list there but I do get more specific.  God knows the kind of man that I am attracted to so I didn’t write about physical features but I really thought about the kind of man I want to spend my life with and raise a family with.  Those points really helped me to tailor my list.  Create your list based on what is important to you and take time to pray about your mate using your list often.  Find 2 or 3 scriptures to stand on as you pray about your list. This is so important to apply the Word of God when we pray. Also, try to be productive and ask God to lead you to work on things that you are passionate about as you wait.  We are purposeful people…our aim should not be just to be married but to help to usher in the coming of the Lord with the gifts and talents He has given us. For anyone doubting the list, I’ve used it in other areas of my life pertaining vocation and watched the Lord fulfill my requests. I encourage you to talk to God like you know He’s listening and will honor your requests. I highly encourage everyone to keep God in the conversation when praying for a mate in all its details and listen to how He leads you. 🙂

I feel strongly about this topic…mainly because I am a Lady in Waiting and it helps to encourage me.  I hope that this has been an encouragement to you.  There may be variations of this message in the future so be on the lookout.  Hopefully, less verbal! Lol!

Thank you for sharing this MOMENT with me!!  I look forward to sharing more moments with you as you meander through my little snapshot of the world!

Smile,

Shayla ❤